The Déjà Vu of Nightmares

The Déjà Vu of nightmares and their consequential events; like your life is being run by a replay button. Like being Stuck in Reverse. It all happens. Maybe with a lot of people. Maybe not. Maybe its just me. But for me it has become profoundly important. Why so?

Why; because every time it returns, it burns me and nails me and crucifies me. But I never get cleansed or purified. The agony burns my heart and pierces my soul, I scream and I cry, but I never get salvation.  I am not Judas, but I am ragged, beaten, bruised, in pain, stoned and yet not forgiven. Every time I run through this nightmare, I feel myself robbed and wronged. And then the ensuing doubts about myself, the "reliving memory” exercise for all the bad deeds ever done.

The faith has to come. It is always here, woven in our nature. Nobody is an atheist in fox shackle. I am not pushed to one, but I face the nightmares every now and then. The thought of not being worth a while, of failing, of rejection, is overwhelming. I hate to be judged that way. I yet have to prove what I am!